Positive Thoughts

I had been worried that I was going to completely wig out this week when I finished taking the Clomid.  I was slightly more cranky than usual for a day or two.  Chris easily set me off.  It sucked.  All in all though I would say the Clomid did not give me bad side effects though, thank goodness.

I went in today on CD12 (woops just realized I told the tech it was CD11) the dildo-cam revealed I had a 12.5 mm follicle on my left a 12 mm on my right and some other smaller ones as well on both sides.  This sort of blows, because I was expecting my ovaries to be completely studded with eggs.  Can you say high hopes? 

They already called me back and told me that I was to come back on Thursday morning at 7:30 AM!!!  OMG.  That’s insanely early.  So we will see how it goes then, I am hoping to grow some eggies in the next few days. 


{January 1, 2008}   Only 1 more day of Clomid to go

I am feeling really optimistic right now that perhaps I might not get any side effects from the Clomid.  I only have one more dose to take tomorrow night (Wed)  I am hoping Thursday, Friday and Saturday won’t be hell.  I have book club on Saturday so I want to be feeling good, no headache.

I am so looking forward to my scan on Monday!  I am really hoping I make 3 0r 4 eggs.  More than that I hope they are all on my good side, meaning my side with the fallopian tube that is definitely open.  If I get 0 or 1 on that side I will be so sad.  Actually this second is the first I have thought of this possibility.  What if I get no eggs on my good side?  Then What?  I wish they could have told me without a doubt if the tube was blocked or not.  It didn’t fill during my HSG, doesn’t that mean it’s blocked?  Why did they tell me it didn’t necessarily mean that?  Makes no sense to me.  I will try not to stress out over this while I wait for my scan.  I told myself I would do everything in my power to be as stress free as possible about all of this.

It’s late and I am off to bed, good thoughts!

My husband and I were called in to action tonight to go and sit for our adorable niece, 9 months old.  My brother threw out his back and needed to go to the ER.  My niece was sleepy when we arrived and I didn’t want to miss any shnuggle nice with her so I cuddled with her on the couch and flipped the TV off of the World Poker Tour to something a little more…I don’t know, just not poker.  I ended up with a showing of the Sound of Music starring Julie Andrews.  I was more than a little shocked when my husband asked; “what movie is this?”  WHAT???  How does he not know that?  I realize that because I was a nanny for 13 years that and that I watched the movie, oh I don’t know, approximately 4361 times that I may be a little more familiar, but I did expect him to know what the hell it was. 

Then it got significantly worse when he asked what Maria’s characters name was, “what’s her name?  Scarlett O’Hara?  Laughter from me, “really, isn’t that Scarlett O’Hara?”  Roaring laughter now, oh my God, couldn’t breathe I was doubled over clutching my abdomen and not because the Clomid was working it’s magic.  Finally I told him that Scarlett O’Hara was from Gone With the Wind, and that that woman was Fraulein Maria, soon to be Maria Von Trapp. 


So that part of the evening was hugely funny.  I wasn’t expecting the wallop that the baby.com commercial packed.  If I can remember what I saw through my tears it was something like; “remember when you looked forward all week to poker night with the guys”  It had a dad and some cute little boys looking at a frog.  The fact that my husband looks forward to poker night stung hard as it went on to say, “a baby changes everything, blah blah blah, now you look forward to boys night in”

Yeah that part of the night sucked. 

{December 30, 2007}   Waiting for the Clomid monster

Cycle Day 4 

I took my first Clomid yesterday.  2 50 mg pills.  I went upstairs to get them at exactly 10 O’ Clock.  I found them right were I left them.  In the never used guest bathroom, the one that is always clean, and has no cutter.  I popped them out of their bubble wrap onto the very clean bathroom counter.  I put them in the palm of my had and very carefully carried them in my palm down the stairs to the kitchen.  Holding them as if they were my very babies, little round white babies.  To me it felt like I was holding hope right there in my palm.  I downed them with a little juice and then decided I should stay up and see how they affected me.

I was waiting for searing headaches or nausea or a sudden burst of tears.  By 2 am when I still wasn’t feeling anything I decided to go to bed. 

This morning I am still not feeling anything which I am happy about.  Last night I read a comment by a Clomid user somewhere, she said that if she could have surgically removed her own head she would have.  The headache was THAT bad!  Oh my holy hell.  I hope that doesn’t happen to me.  If it does, I decided I will just go straight to bed, no matter what time it is and even if I haven’t fed my husband yet.  Going to bed will also be what I do if I seem to suffer from the extreme moodiness and emotionality that has been virtually promised to me by the handy insert and dozens of online TTCers.

We shall see how it goes at precisely 10 O ‘Clock tonight when I take some more.

{December 28, 2007}   December 28, 2007

Cycle Day 2

Yesterday was CD1 of our first IUI cycle.  We got all of our meds in the mail 2 days ago.  I got 10 Clomid pills to take days 3-7.  I got a prefilled syringe of Ovirdel, and I got 60 suppositories of Progesterone.  Somewhere on the information for the progesterone it said “helping you get pregnant and stay pregnant.”  Sounds good to me, sign me up for this wonder drug.  All added up our drugs cost over $400.  With the Clomid being the cheapest at $29. and the Progesterone being the most expensive at $331. 

Yesterday I spoke with 4 different people at Boston IVF.  I talked with the financial coordinator to pay for our treatment.  $1250. on the AMEX card.  I talked to the paitient liason to go over the drug schedule and procedures.  I talked to my RE’s nurse to establish that it was CD1 and I talked to his assistant to book my follow up appointment where we hopefully will discuss my pregnancy, but we may be discussing where we go from here.  I hope it’s the former with all my heart.

Today nothing is going on, no calls to make, to drugs to take.  I will start tomorrow night with the first 2 Clomid pills.  Chris will be away for the night, so he will miss it if I suddenly turn into a hormonal crazy bitch.  I do need to exercise today.  I am so afraid that I will gain even more weight once I start treatments. 

We have decided to stay positive and think and speak as if this is a done deal.  We have been joking and saying stuff like, “gotta eat healthy for the babies!”  assuming already that we will have twins.  We can hope.

{December 28, 2007}   December 23, 2007

It’s a big mistake not to have written anything in this blog since June. Why do I do that? Why can’t I just keep a blog up? I frustrate myself to no end. Now since I want to keep a more accurate record I am faced with trying to remember the last 6 months. I do have my charts which is good. I have kept up the charting which has been great. So without further ado, a little history.

June, Cycle 2 – The last post was June 7 and after that I ovulated clearly on June 18. CD17. I actually took a pregnancy test on 5 DPO, which looking back was a little crazy. It was a BFN. I started spotting at 10 DPO and had a major demp dip on 11 DPO. I thought the cycle was over and then I made a huge recovery temp wise and my temp shot back up for 5 more days and I was very hopeful. Except for the back that I continued to spot for 5 out of 6 days before I finally got my period on July 4.

July, Cycle 3 – I took a pregnancy test on July 4th, I really thought I was pregnant the previous cycle and looked all over the net for evidence of people spotting for so long who ended up being pregnant. I found my evidence but it didn’t happen to me.  I had gum graft surgery in early July and because I was going to be on some antibiotics as well as having nitrous oxide and some other drugs during the surgery, we decided to skip TTC in July.

I charted anyway and had a lovely temp rise and clear ovulation on CD14. I spotted for 3 days before my period. I thought that was better than 6. I expectedly got my period at the end of that cycle.

August, Cycle 4 – August was a wacky cycle, filled with stress and confusion. Chris and I almost bought a church, which was crazy. In the middle of making the decision if we wanted to make an offer on the church, Chris had an awful time at work where things went so badly wrong that he thought he may lose his job. I was about to ovulate the night he was at work all night and was up all night taking his calls and I was so stressed out. My morning temp got so messed up and then it was not clear when I ovulated. The software ended up saying I ovulated on CD12. I wasn’t sure if it was true. I spotted up CD21 and CD22. Then I had no spotting for 5 days. Then spotting for 2 more and then I got my period. I took 3 pregnancy tests that month.

September, Cycle 5 – We decided that I would take a break from temping but that we would still TTC. We had a bunch of sex in the middle of the month, I have no idea when I ovulated and started spotting on CD 20 and spotted 8 out of the next 9 days before getting my period.  Chris and I also bought a house in September and closed on September 29th. We were so excited, we had 4 bedrooms and couldn’t wait to fill them up!

October, Cycle 6 – I went back to temping because I saw no benefit in not temping. I ovulated on CD16 and we had sex 10 days in a row leading up to ovulation! There was a lot of spotting again, it was really starting to get old. I sadly got my period again.

November, Cycle 7 – We had started to worry in October that something may be wrong. We knew Chris’ brother had an almost zero sperm count so we decided to have Chris do a sperm analysis just to see what was up. We figured it’d be an easy thing to do that would provide some info. The results weren’t horrible but we were told the motility was 50% motile and normal was 60%. He was told to go to a urologist or a fertility specialist. We decided to go see an RE because then we could both be tested and treated as a couple.
We made an appointment with Boston IVF in Waltham and had our consultation with Dr. Penzias in my 2WW of our November cycle.  He suggested testing for me and a repeat SA for Chris.  I was to have Day 3 blood work, a transvaginal ultrasound, and an HSG.

My ultrasound was fine according to the tech.  She said they were just counting Antral follicles, I’m not sure what those are but I am happy that mine were good in number as well as size for where I was in my cycle. 

My HSG was a little more troublesome.  I was the one case of the day that didn’t go according to the doctors 4-5 minute promised routine.  I was brought into an exam room which had a large table so much like the table I had my ERCP on in 2003, it caught me a little off guard.  The nurses were so nice to me and so sweet, they almost treated me like a child.  I don’t know how other people react to being treated like that, but I find it very comforting.  I was instructed to lay back while she introduced the speculum, and apparantly the catheter through my cervix as well.  I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t notice that part, I thought it would be the hardest part. 

She wanted to start filling up my poor uterus with radio active dye, but for some reason it wasn’t working.  She tried a few different things and kept futzing around down there which was very uncomfortable.  She said she was going to use “tenaculum” which I assumed was some kind of helpful ointment.  After I got home and got on the net I learned that it was a clamp of some sort.  God have mercy, she clamped my cervix with some kind of grabber.  Fortunately that seemed to work and she began to see that my uterus was filling up with chemicals to make me glow in the dark.  It was uncomfortable but didn’t hurt per se.  Once my uterus was all filled up, one of my fallopian tubes filled as well.  I was happy to hear the word I was looking for; spillage.  Once I was at this point I started getting really crampy.  It seemed we couldn’t see the good spillage in my other tube, and unfortunately I can’t remember which was the good one and which one will be punished when I see it next.  The doctor futzed with my innards some more and said things like “the tube is kinking” which I later realized I didn’t know if she meant my tube or the catheter.  At the time I felt sure she was taking about her McDonalds drinking straw she had shoved up my cervix. 

I left the exam room really confused.  I had asked if no spillage meant that my tube was blocked and was told not neccessarily.  I was told it could be a polyp that she thought she might have seen acting as gate keeper to my fallopian tube.  I resigned myself to just waiting to find out.  I was sure Dr. Penzias would tell me everything we needed to know at our follow up appointment before Christmas. 

At our follow up appointment we were finally told the results of all of our tests.  Starting with me, my Day3 bloodwork was all within normal limits.  YEA!  I had been worried about that.  My ultrasound was fine, and my HSG was no more clearly explained to me by my RE than by the doctor who performed the exam.  My RE was happy to see I had one tube that worked and he claimed that was all we needed.  Chris’ SA was perfectly normal too.  I had a feeling it would be, and I was thrilled that it was.  He was too I am sure. 

I mentioned to my RE that in 2000 I had pre-cancerous cells on my cervix and had cryotherapy to remove them.  He told me that wasn’t too relevant.  Then I told him I make very little if any good cervical mucus.  He said that was most likely because of the cryotherapy and that this information was in fact relevant.  I think we went right from there to him saying he reccomended Clomid.  Then it was unclear what he was reccomending so I asked, “are you reccomending Clomind and we keep trying on our own, or Clomid and IUI?”  He said “Clomid with IUI.”  Well there you have it.  Not only did we not get laughed out the door at our initial consultation, but now he believes we need heroic measures to get pregnant.  I was kind of shocked, because although I totally expected the Clomid, I was not expecting at all the IUI.  That’s only one step below IVF.  It’s so scary now.  At first I thought jumping to IUI was wrong, but he explained it was because of my faulty cervical mucus.  If we bypass my cervix entirely and just put millions of sperm in my uterus, he thinks it may work.  So we have decided to embark on our maiden and hopefully only fertility treatement.

{December 28, 2007}   June 7, 2007

My period is almost over and I absolutely cannot wait to ovulate! It should be 9 more days. I am very hopeful that it will happen for us this cycle. Taking my temp each morning has been going fine, the only thing is that I feel as though it is sooo low. I’m not too worried about it because I don’t really feel like the temp during my period matters that much. I will start charting my other fertility signs tomorrow. I will also start drinking my green tea, water and grapefruit juice tomorrow or tonight as well. It can’t hurt and might help.

I worked yesterday and today in Dover. The nanny I am taking over for is 8 months pregnant and due in a few weeks. It has been so fun to talk about pregnancy and babies with her for the last two days. Yesterday I even felt her babies butt crack! Through her stomach! It was the coolest thing EVER! She recomended some books to me for when I get pregnant and have the baby. One is called The Pregnancy Journal and is obviously a journal for keeping track of your pregnancy. The other book is for keeping track of the baby’s schedule right from day 1 around the clock. It’s called The Baby Tracker They both look great and I can’t wait to get pregnant and get them both

{December 28, 2007}   June 3, 2007

I got my period 2 days ago. My first failed cycle It’s really okay though. I started temping and I will ramp up the charting of my other fertility signs. TCOYF predicts that I will O on the 16th of June, I am looking forward to baby dancing.

{December 28, 2007}   May 29, 2007

So as soon as my period arrives, which I am assuming it will…I plan on going full force into charting. I am getting all prepared. I have completely set up my TCOYF software, joined the message board, uploaded my chart there in case I have questions I need help with, I have figured out how to check my cervix, I ordered another thermometer, some pre-seed, and a sperm analysis for the hubby. I also bought ovulation predictor kits and have at lease 1 pregnancy test here but I need to get more. I re-read the TCOYF book and am just waiting for aunt flo. Of course if by some beautiful miracle it turns out that I am actually pregnant now I will totally change directions and go down that route instead.

{December 28, 2007}   May 26,2007

I woke up this morning and lay in bed reading my TCOYF fertility book. When my hubby woke up I rolled over and faced him smiled and greeted him. He said hi then sort of stared in to space and down at his face. I was insulted, so I rolled over and said “let me know when you want to look at me.” Then I ended up crying a little and we bickered just a bit. My first thought was that it was clearly PMS.

I thought my period was due on Sunday, I thought that was CD 27 but it’s just calendar day 27 lol. I’m actulaay on CD 21. So my period at the very minimum is still 4 days away. If I remember correctly that is too early for me to be getting all emotional.

My hubby said when he realized I was PMSing “oh no, no babies this month, but that’s another $3000 in the bank.” Oh well, he was kidding of course, but somehow it works out that for every month we don’t have a baby, is another 3k we can save. Not enough motivation for me. We are still trying 🙂

et cetera